Dear Daxton

Dear Daxton,

Last Friday was the saddest day of your little life, one of the saddest of my life, and will remain in history as one of the saddest days for this country.

20 sweet babies, only 4-5 years older than you, the same age as your best friend/cousin Zain, became angels in a horrible, horrible tragedy.

Luckily you're little enough that it didn't phase you. While mommy listened to live coverage streaming online, you watched Rudolph with all of your 2 year old innocence.

Mommy cried.... and you watched Rudolph.

I first pictured myself being the parents waiting at the fire station to be reunited with their little ones.... only for that to never happen.

I then pictured you being one of the babies in that school hearing the things they heard and seeing the things they saw.

I then pictured mommy as a teacher in that school. Most people don't realize how much teachers love their students.  We love each and every one of those kids like they're our own. I never called the kids in my class my students, they were always my "babies". And this year, as I got a Christmas card from a little girl I first taught 5 years ago I told your daddy that it was a picture of one of my "babies". The kids in our classes are our babies for the rest of our lives. And I couldn't imagine that happening to my babies.

This weekend, I appreciated all the small things. I watched you play in your toy car and smiled. I watched you lay on the couch and watch movies and smiled. I watched you throw your body down on the ground in a fit, and still smiled.

On Saturday night you were up every hour. And each time I walked into your room half asleep, I was thankful. 20 families don't get to wake up during the night with their little ones because of bad dreams or not feeling well. I sat in the dark in your room and cried tears of thankfulness that I still have you, and tears of sorrow for heavens new 20 angels.

Mommy is still having a hard time dealing with the emotions. I worried about your cousins as they went to school today, I worried about my teacher friends as they returned to work, I worried about all of my past babies that are now elementary schools. I picture you as a 6 year old each time they show the faces of the sweet angels on tv. I worry about the future and your safety.

But for now I'm going to be thankful. Daddy and I left today to go out of town for interviews and it was hard.  I asked Melissa what to do, daddy what to do, and mawmaw what to do. You're not feeling well so that made the decision hard, but I think deep down it came down to me not wanting to be separated from you.... because 20 families are now separated from their families forever. We left and as we pulled out of the neighborhood I cried. But we can't live in fear.

I've called mawmaw about a million times already and I get to hear you in the background each time. I can still hear your voice and smile. 20 other families can't.

Daxton, mommy loves you very much. From loss, great things can come. For me, it's a better appreciation for the small moments in my life with you. Appreciating your fits, your tantrums, your cries in the night, your hugs, your smiles, and your "I love you"s.

Love you forever,
Mommy


Sleep in heavenly peace sweet angels. We will never forget.