Hi y'all!!! I've been a big slacker with blog post lately but between my broken computer screen and Daniel's itty bitty computer who's keys are so small I'm constantly misspelling words.... it takes a lot of time to muster up the patience to write. :)
All is great here. I'm all healed physically (other than my nasty scar and some occasional aches and pains) and emotionally I'm doing well too. I've been dealing with a little bit of anxiety over some things but overall I'm doing well.
So this post is going back to the roots of this blog. I started this blog as a way to keep distant friends and family up to date, but more importantly to act as an online "memory book" for our little family . With that said, 2013 was a huge, just unbelievably huge, year for us..... so for memories sake, I'm going to go through a little review of everything 2013 held for us!
January/February 2013
* Daniel finished up interviews for residency and we worked together to make his final rank list. Then the waiting and waiting started...
Daniel's "oh crap I'm submitting my rank list" face
March 2013
* Match Day came! We found out that we'd soon be spending the next five years twelve hours away from family in Mobile, Alabama!
How we made the announcement to friends
How Daniels school did the revealing of where he matched
Family pictures done in South Alabama shirts for our change of address cards.
April 2013
* I lost my Mimi. Not my grandmother by birth but in my heart she was. She was the last grandparent I had so it was a rough loss and I think of her a lot
* Daniel and I ventured to Mobile in a three day spree to find a house. Found one, signed papers, had inspection done, and it was ours in record time!
Daniel's "oh crap we just bought a house" face.
May 2013
* We moved to Alabama!
* We watched via Internet as a record tornado weaved it's way in and out of our family's homes in Moore, Oklahoma. Only blocks from several family members houses. It was hours before we knew everyone was safe and sound. Being 12 hours away during such a traumatic event for your home town sure makes you feel helpless.
*Daniel graduated med school! After lots of hard work he officially was able to sign M.D. after his name and became "Dr. Daddy"
June 2013
*We had a month off as a family so enjoyed exploring our new house and city.
*We also found a church that we fell in love with and started calling our own. This church has been such a blessing of knowledge and relationships for us.
July 2012
* Daniel started his 80 hour work weeks as a resident. Tired.... but loving every minute of it.
* Dax and I started our own traditions...... like going out for donuts on holidays that daddy works
Fourth of July while daddy worked
* I started a new "job". I was blessed to have a childcare job fall into my lap. I began watching a sweet little toddler girl in my own home, allowing me the opportunity to be at home and take care of things there, while also spending time with my little boy and doing a little bit of my teaching that I love.
* Daniel and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary!
The picture on the left was our first picture together 12 years ago... we were 14 years old
August 2013
* Daxton turned 3!! Daniel got his first week of vacation time at the end of the month so we went back to Oklahoma and celebrated Daxton's third birthday with a wonderful Super Why themed party!
September 2013
* Daniel started his first month of nights... .and looked like this most of the time...
* After our year long battle with secondary infertility, we were able to conceive. Only for that pregnancy to end up being ectopic. It ruptured and that started a very long 6 week process of recovery (There is a collection of 7 post referring back to that ordeal if you need more info). I feel so very thankful to be alive.... and thankful for that angel baby.
Added a tiny angel wing to my mothers necklace.
October 2013
* October went fast. I was busy recovering so didn't get out much.... but we did make time for Halloween of course :)
* I also took part in my first Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in honor of our little angel baby.
November 2013
* We spent the holidays away from family, but with friends this year. We took full advantage of Skype
December 2013
* Our first Christmas in our own home.... 12 hours away from family. It was very different.... but we really enjoyed starting our own traditions..... like a Christmas Eve picnic in the living room while watching Christmas movies
Seriously.... what an insane year it's been for us. So many first and so many starts of something new. Here's to looking forward to what 2014 has in store for us.... and praying it's just a tad bit calmer :)
So a year ago I wrote this post about Balancing Christmas ... and if you haven't read it you should ;) At that point last year Dax was barely two, so we didn't have to think much or put this idea of "Balancing Christmas" into action. But now we're in full blown Christmas tradition mode. We have a three year old little boy on our hands that is really soaking in everything about the holiday season and is already asking me everyday if Santa is coming tomorrow.
So this year I started two different things that I hope will grow into traditions for us... because I really love what they stand for and they help keep me accountable everyday to Balance Christmas for our little guy.
So this is the letter that our sweet little Elf on a Shelf brought with him Saturday morning when he made his first appearance. This is a really simplified version of what I got at in my Balancing Christmas post, and as he gets older I'll go more into detail about forgiveness, intentions, a faithful value system, and a heart like our Creator. As I mentioned before... he's barely three and this letter seemed to be on the perfect level for him.
The second thing we started this year was an advent activity. I searched all over (with no luck) for an advent calendar of some sorts that would help me in the process of Balancing Christmas. Something that would help us count down the days until the oh so fun Christmas morning, but also kept our hearts wrapped around the true meaning of the season. Luckily, yesterday I stumbled upon this site and will be using it to base our daily activities on. So today I printed the bible versus for the countdown chain and we did the first activity with Daxton's nativity.
For the countdown chain I just used red and green scrap book paper that I had and printed these perfect little activity strips. I cut them out and glued them onto the back of the scrap book paper. I love that the strips have not only the daily verse on it, but additional readings and an activity as well.
So those are a couple traditions we started this year to help us Balance Christmas! What are some things you and your family do to keep perspective on what it should be on during the holiday seasons??
I've been a christian for years. A believer in a God who is loving, caring, stronger than we can ever be, and who has a complete plan for our lives laid out from the beginning.
I learned a lot over the past few months. But the biggest is that when we put all of us into Him, anything is possible.
The word all is what I want to stress. Not just us on Sunday. Not just us when we need something and we come to Him in prayer. Not just us when we're praising Him for something good in our life. But all of us.... all the time.
As I have previously mentioned, we have been trying for baby #2 for over a year. That year was full of prayers each month that we would get pregnant. Usually, most of those coming right after I realized that month wasn't a successful one. When we moved to Alabama in May before starting residency, we made it a mission to find a church that we would feel at home in... something we were never able to find in other cities we lived in. Luckily, we found just that place at the second church we visited, and we quickly joined the church and began going to a small group. This church gave me a drive like I have never had before to study God's word and grow in my relationship with Him. Quiet time each day, studying His word, and truly wanting to know Him in a way I haven't was now the highlight of my day. I looked forward to nap time for a different reason now... not just getting a little break, but for the opportunity to have my quiet time with God. I began praying not for us to be able to get pregnant again, but for Him to reveal His plan for the continual growth of our family, whether that be another biological child or for our "future" plans to adopt (something I've always known I would do) to be the next step for us. I finally realized that He knew how our family was going to look, and I needed to quit trying to be in control of that and hand it over to Him completely. And I prayed this every.day.
God's hand in our life has also been revealed to me in another way. Four to five years ago He brought a new face into my life. We became friends, but because of busy lives, never had time to grow that friendship into anything really close. But over that time, we kept being pulled back together through seemingly the most random occasions. Moving to same cities, being placed together for school requirements, having kiddos a few months apart. Through all of these events we never lost connection with one another. A few months ago this sweet friend recommended the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility to me. She graciously sent me her copy, I read it in about 2 days, and instantly took the things it taught and started to apply them in our trying to conceive journey. Two months later, I found out I was pregnant. And I know it's because of the things I learned in that book.
This same sweet friend helped me through the day to day struggle as I learned I was miscarrying and as I was recovering through my ruptured ectopic pregnancy. She sent encouragement and prayers my way and I was very thankful for that.
Almost exactly one month after I miscarried, this same friend found out she was going through something very similar. Now we were able to be there to cry with each other, ask questions to each other, and encourage each other.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that God knew what he was doing 5 years ago when He placed her in my life and He made sure that throughout our busy lives we didn't lose connection with one another. Because at this chapter in our life we would need each other to make it through.
I think the biggest revealing of God's faithfulness came through the sense of peace I was given throughout the miscarriage. I have mentioned in previous post the gut feeling that something wasn't right starting the first day I knew I was pregnant. Because of this gut feeling, I instantly prayed daily for peace in whatever was to come. I didn't want to pray that the baby would be okay, because I knew that God already knew what was going to happen and there was nothing I could do to truly change that.i had given my body and my family over to Him. He was faithful enough to give me the baby, so I needed to keep up my end of the deal and continue to give my everything over to Him. I just wanted a feeling of peace within my heart at whatever the outcome was. As I was faced with the news that I was miscarrying only days later, that sense of peace was never felt stronger. I knew He wasn't taking from me, He was only saying "not yet". I didn't break down in the hospital. I truly felt at peace with what had happened. He had revealed to me that I can in fact get pregnant, and I had to trust in Him to carry me through the next chapter. Now don't get me wrong... I've had my days of sorrow and crying.... but even in those moments I still had that peace.
Now I'm able to see God's faithfulness and hand in my life through all the things the last several months has brought upon me. He lead us to Alabama. He lead us to our church home. He put that special friend in my life and kept them there. He gave me the peace I prayed for. And in all the seemingly small things, such as Daniel being on nights when all this happened letting him be at home when I would need him the most, the original doctor I planned on seeing wasn't taking new patients therefore me taking an appointment with my wonderful doctor now, computers freezing when my mom was trying to book a ticket back home letting her be there for when my ectopic ruptured. All of these things just reaffirm the hand of God in every. single. thing. we do.
As I made a special candle holder to light on October 15th, I painted the word "Faith" on it. Because if there's one thing I have learned from my Angel Baby and God..... it's faith. True, 100% faith.
I'm a big music person and I often turn to music to say the words I can't or to help me heal. This song here....I listen to this song at least every other day. It's just so so perfect.
I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
And I shared this video before, but these words have especially stood out to me more now than ever.
"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy"
Today is 4 weeks since my D&C, and Saturday will be 4 weeks since my ectopic pregnancy ruptured.
Those four weeks have been full of resting and recovering, mentally and physically. For probably the first two weeks afterwards, all of my energy was focused on healing physically. I had been through the ringer to say the least.... and every bit of energy I had mentally and physically was put towards physically healing. The past two weeks emotional healing has taken the drivers seat and continues to take me on quite the adventure.
I think the best way to break down my last four weeks in a way that will help someone else who has gone through this journey or will go through this journey is to break down my recovery, week by week.
Week 1: I went in for the rupture on Saturday morning, and stayed at the hospital until Monday afternoon. The evening after surgery they had me stand up for the first time. That lasted about 2 minutes and I physically couldn't handle it anymore. So we waited another day and we tried again. This time I walked a few feet down the hall, and made it back to bed. The walking itself wasn't that awful... it was the getting up and down out of bed that was miserable. During my hospital stay they were coming in my room every 2 hours and checking my vitals so rest was minimal. In my 3 day hospital stay, we had several of Daniel's coworkers come by and check in on us. Through everything we've been through over the last month we have been completely reassured that this residency program is the perfect one for us. They've been so so wonderful and we couldn't be more thankful.
After coming home I was taking ibuprofen and prescription strength pain meds regularly, my moving was from the bed to the couch and back again, and I had to sleep with literally 5 pillows around me to be comfortable. Week one the majority of my pain was from the incision spot itself. I was also very tired and got light headed really easy and fast, sometimes even when just sitting on the couch. Unfortunately my appetite remained at basically nothing (other than a few bites of my mom's meatloaf and a few sips of soup).
Week 2: This week was better.... but not anywhere near normal yet. Getting up and down was still the biggest pain, and though I could go further now, I continued to walk like the Hunch Back of Notre Dame. This week I started having some cramping as well. It wasn't all day long, but would randomly come here and there and would almost feel like a contraction that lasted a few seconds and then went away. By the end of this week I had cut back to only taking my strong pain meds at bed time and ibuprofen throughout the day. I was still dealing with exhaustion, light headedness, and loss of appetite but it was slightly better than the last week. I also had my first follow up visit this week. He said my incision looked great and I seemed to be getting around really well. I had more blood work done to see where my beta was at... 150.... so it was dropping great from the 11,000 it was at when I ruptured. When it finally falls below 5 my body should get back to normal hormone and cycle wise. He let me know that after 2 regular cycles we can begin trying to conceive again if we're ready. My risk of another ectopic does now go up an additional 15% so I'll start seeing the doctor day one next time we conceive (no waiting until 6-8 weeks like the normal person would do). And speaking of conceiving, he let me know that my chances of conceiving now drop by 30% because of only having one tube, but that he sees "lots of little Sooners running around" in our future. If we haven't conceived again in 6 months, then we'll continue on with seeing a fertility specialist.
Week 3: I could finally drive and go up and down stairs now so I feel like a new woman :) Week three was a big turning point for me. I am no longer taking any sort of pain medication! Cramping was a lot less than the week before and now my biggest pain was not being able to be comfortable in once position very long. Because of feeling better physically (and because of my whacked out hormones trying to return to normal) I was a little more emotional this week. I had days where I was completely okay, and days where I was pretty down. I was sad that I lost a baby after trying for over a year, frustrated that all of this craziness happened to me, and worried about having lost one tube and it affecting my chances of having any future children. Pretty much you name the emotion, I had it.
Week 4: We're in week four now. Physically I'm doing great. Moving around like normal (still have restrictions on what all I can do for another 2 weeks but for the most part things are back to normal), haven't been having any cramping, and my energy level is back up. My appetite has finally returned (after losing 10lbs) and I'm only getting light headed when I get up and down. Right now my biggest pain is that I'm still pretty swollen around my incision site...making it tender and a pain to wear anything other than gym shorts (which normally I would not complain about, but right now I just want my body to feel normal again). I also have stitches poking out at each end of my incision site which are really annoying. Emotionally, I'm doing a little better than last week. I still have days where I'm down but it's much less than last week. I went to church this week for the first time in a month and that definitely lifted my spirits.I go back to see my doctor on Monday so hopefully it's all good news then as well.
Today is October 15, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.... and the first time I'm really taking part. I had heard of the date before because of a few people in my life that have lost babies, but today is the first time that I'm truly a part of it. I have a candle lit in honor of our angel baby and all those who have ever been affected by pregnancy or infant loss. I've been so touched by the number of people who have sent me a message or who have let me know that they have a candle lit in honor of our angel. If you have a moment today.... please light a candle and say a quick prayer for all of those who are touched by today.
I'll be posting in the next few days about a few things I've learned over the past month....so stay tuned for that.
If you're just now making your way to the blog make sure you catch up on our full journey when you get the chance.... it's only a total of 5 post (including this one). Our story has just began.
Also, there are going to be lots of details in here... so I apologize if you don't want to read all the nitty gritty.... but for my sake and the sake of others who may go through something similar in the future, I'm writing them.
The next day after my first shot (Friday) I felt pretty normal. A little achyness and a little bit of cramping but nothing bad at all. In fact my doctor called me Friday afternoon to see how I was doing and I had nothing but good things to say. Friday evening came and Daniel headed off to work (remember he was on his month of night shifts). I had a sweet friend text me to see how I was doing and I began talking to her about how I was really struggling with anxiety, to the point that I was really scared taking a shower and sleeping alone because I was afraid something like a rupture was going to happen. I kept getting slammed with bad news after bad news, so I think that started taking a real tole on me... subsequently making me expect the worst. She reassured me, just like Daniel did when I addressed it with him, that it was going to be okay.
Saturday morning (September 21st) I woke up a little after 8:00am and headed out to spend some time with my mom and Dax. I felt just like I had been.... a little achy, no appetite... but no change from the day before. Daniel got home from work around 9:00 am (ps most of these times are guesstimates, it was a lazy Saturday morning so I didn't really have any true concept of what time it was). He was spending some time with us before laying down to sleep for the day, so we were all hanging out in the living room sitting on the couches. I started getting a couple pains, more cramplike than what I had been having. About that time Daniel and my mom headed to the kitchen to get some breakfast... and I headed to the bathroom because I thought I was going to get sick. While in the bathroom it hit me strong, exactly like it did the first day I started miscarrying (back on Thursday, September 12th). I got extremely nauseous, extreme cramping, very light headed, and started seeing black. I made it a few steps out of the bathroom and was able to whisper (from what I was told) Daniel's name. He helped lower me right to the floor where I was standing and elevated my feet. The lightheadedness got better, but the pain never let up. Eventually he carried me to our bed and everything just continued. At this point we didn't think much about it. Everything seemed just like it did the first day, so I think we all figured it was just the separation pain that the doctor had told us would happen.
But the pain never let up.... and continued to just get worse. So bad that it was making me sick. I remember telling Daniel multiple times that I couldn't do it anymore. It was 10 times worse than any labor pains I had before. Eventually the pain started moving up my left side, and when I told Daniel this that sent up red flags and he instantly pulled the car to the front door to take me to the hospital. I remember him and my mom trying to get me to sit up on the bed so I could go out to the car, and just feeling like jello and falling over. Daniel ended up carrying me to the car (poor guy).
The car ride is pretty much a blur to me. I remember Daniel saying my name a few times and waking up and responding to him, but I think I was sort of in and out of it most of the ride.
We got to the ER entrance, Daniel ran in to get a wheel chair, I unlocked the door for him, heard someone say something about him being a medical student, to which Daniel quickly corrected them "I'm a physician" (this makes me laugh now), and that's all I know for a few minutes.
I passed out right as we got to the hospital. Talk about good timing.
The next thing I remember is being in the ER and having a nurse practitioner on my left side putting in an IV, the on call doctor on my left side putting one in (both pumping me full with fluids) and what seemed like 10 people in this little room running crazy. I remember hearing bits and pieces of Daniel's conversations with them. I remember them cutting off my shirt. I remember so many familiar faces because I had been in and out of the hospital so many times in the last week. I remember the pain stopping, but shaking uncontrollably (what I'm guessing was shock). I remember them layering tons of warm blankets on me. I remember them reading my blood pressure "70/30." "Is that accurate?" They did it again, "Yes". I remember the wonderful nurse practitioner that I had seen the very first day I started miscarrying looking me in the eye and saying over and over, "you're going to be okay" and feeling so comforted. I remember another nurse saying "Poor baby" multiple times. I remember them doing an ultrasound. I remember Daniel telling me that I was going to have surgery and him kissing my forehead. I remember being quickly taken back to the operating room, continuing to shake uncontrollably, the anesthesiologist letting me know that I would be falling asleep soon and that everything was going to be just fine.
The next thing I knew I was in recovery. I think Daniel said my surgery was about an hour and a half long. Recovery was pretty blurry and I only remember bits and pieces. I do know that Daniel's program director came in to check on me.... just reassuring our knowledge that this program was great.
At some point in the day I learned how serious things really were. My ectopic pregnancy had indeed ruptured my left fallopian tube. The surgery is usually done laparoscopically through a few tiny incisions in the belly and abdomen. But when they got the camera inside my abdomen, there was too much blood for them to be able to see. I had a total of 2 liters of blood in my abdomen from the rupture. They had to end up doing not only the tiny incision inside my belly button, but an incision about 6 inches long at my bikini line. I ended up loosing my entire left fallopian tube and receiving 3 units of blood.
Daniel has told me several times, "I don't think you realize how serious this was".... and he's probably really accurate. Things are still pretty surreal to me.
So part one was written on a Sunday night.... and sat in my draft folder for 5 days.
That's because when I woke up Monday morning everything changed for us.
Our run with secondary infertility was done. Finished. Finito.
I had a positive pregnancy test.
I anxiously waited two hours for Daniel to get home from work so I could break the news to him. Needless to say that was two of the longest hours of my life.
To say we were both surprised and completely shocked is an understatement. Daniel's exact words were, "is this for real??"
But beneath all the excitement I stayed cautious. I told Daniel that evening that I just had a bad feeling and was nervous. I never had this feeling with my first pregnancy. But for some reason, I did this time.
To make a long story short, four days later we spent the day at the emergency room, and soon found out that I was miscarrying.
We have such great great support through our family and close friends (and I feel very blessed that Daniel's residency program was also extremely supportive) ... and that has made this whole experience much easier to handle. Emotionally, I had prepared myself for this from day one (remember that "gut feeling" that something wasn't right) so I actually handled the news really well. What I wasn't prepared for was the physical toll this would take on my body. Miscarriage was definitely not "as seen on TV" that's for sure. I'm on day four after finding out and today is the first day I've felt okay. It comes and goes. We've already had one follow up visit and go again tomorrow to discuss the next steps for us.
I wanted to be open and share this with everyone because I've had so many people message me after my last post about our infertility struggles letting me know how helpful it was and letting me know that we have their thoughts and prayers. And if there's one thing I know now, it's that building these relationships with women going through similar situations is so beneficial in healing. And also that the more people we have praying for us, the better.
So yes, right now, we're taking life day by day. And we know our journey to building our family isn't over. There is a silver lining in this, and that is that we now know that we can get pregnant again... and that is such a relief for us.
So stay tuned... because we know in our hearts that our family story is just getting started.
partly because life has been nuts. We bought our first house, moved 12 hours away, Daniel started residency, I started watching a toddler in our home during the day, and we are all trying to adjust to our completely new, and insane life.
But another reason is because I just haven't had the spirit to write.
I like to blog as a way to express myself, keep in contact with our family and friends, and reflect on what's happening in our lives.
But the past several months my mind has been preoccupied with something else. Something that I didn't want to bother others with, something no one else would possibly be interested in reading, something that is too deep for my happy-go-lucky self.
But finally after a month of signing into blogger, opening up the "new post" page, and then signing back out again.... I feel like I'm finally ready to talk about it.
I'm not sure why I haven't talked about it to anyone (other than a few close friends and few family members). But I just haven't. It's been a really sensitive spot for me and I think not telling anyone was a way of protecting myself from having to talk about it and face all the emotions.
But I've been reading and listening to songs a ton.... and I realized that talking about it is not only going to help me, but may help someone else going through the same thing as me.
Infertility is such a silenced disease.
12% of women, or 1 in 8 married couples face infertility issues. With more than half of those infertility cases being secondary infertility (not being able to conceive after already having a child). That's way more common than I ever thought.... and that's because most of these people don't talk about it. Like I mentioned, it's a very silenced disease.
Daniel and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. With Dax it took us 6 months, completely normal for a first pregnancy, but this time around things have been different. We've done everything that is suppose to work, charting basil body temperatures, watching ovulation, etc. For awhile I kept putting it off to busy schedules, stress, work.... anything. But as my doctor has confirmed, even considering those things, it should take 8 months max for a second pregnancy to occur.
So here we are. We've began the process of trying to figure out what the problem is. We've had some lab work ran that hasn't showed anything yet, and will soon be seeing a fertility specialist.
Infertility is such an emotional rollercoaster. You're happy and hopeful one minute, depressed and pessimistic the next. It's a constant monthly waiting game filled with ups and downs. You learn real fast that you can't go through it on your own. For me that has meant turning to my faith. I've been reading the bible and praying and searching for praise and worship songs that fit what I'm going through. I'm surprised almost daily by the messages God is sending me. And while I know God has a plan, and that we will grow our family in one way or another, it doesn't take away from the frustration and pain that the infertility journey brings.
Tomorrow, the madness of our world completely changing will start and we'll start endlessly researching and thinking about the new town we'll be spending the next 5 years in.
I go into tomorrow with just a roller coaster of emotions building up inside me. I'm excited for this next chapter. I'm proud of Daniel for reaching his dreams. I'm eager to begin planning. I'm happy to try something new. But I think the emotions that are taking over the most here lately (up until this point I've been really excited... I guess maybe it's just becoming more real) are those of fear, anxiety, and sadness. I am terrified of starting over somewhere I know nothing about. I'm anxious about moving somewhere I don't know a single soul. And I'm extremely sad to be so far away from my family.
But I know this is all just part of the journey. Only a small segment of what our life holds. And I know we will grow so much as individuals and as a family through this experience. We can do anything for 5 years.
Maybe after tomorrow I'll feel better. Maybe it's just the unknown right now that's freaking me out.
But whatever it is I know we're going to be just fine. This is just part of the journey.
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing." James 1: 2-8 (This verse. Wow.)
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. Philippians 4:6-8
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
This is going to be the motto of my life for the next 4-5 months that's for sure.
Our calender is quickly filling up with award dinners, match day activities, commencements, graduations, etc...
And then there's Valentines Day, birthdays, and graduation gifts...
And don't forget things like our lease ending at our current house in April, not getting to close on a house (in who knows where) until late May/June, packing our entire house, finding a storage unit, changing addresses and accounts to a completely new state....
oh, and there's this little person that depends on me 24/7 to take care of him and teach him... can't forget that...
also the fact that Daniel is getting ready to start a rural rotation where he'll be gone M-F.... leaving just me and said little person....
and last but not least... the stress that the "unknown" has on me... a person who likes to have a set plan all.the.time.
So if we're ever chitchatting between now and the end of May... or you just feel like sending me a sweet message, comment, or email.... please remind me to enjoy the process as well. To take each moment day by day. And to not worry about tomorrow. Thanks friends
Last Friday was the saddest day of your little life, one of the saddest of my life, and will remain in history as one of the saddest days for this country.
20 sweet babies, only 4-5 years older than you, the same age as your best friend/cousin Zain, became angels in a horrible, horrible tragedy.
Luckily you're little enough that it didn't phase you. While mommy listened to live coverage streaming online, you watched Rudolph with all of your 2 year old innocence.
Mommy cried.... and you watched Rudolph.
I first pictured myself being the parents waiting at the fire station to be reunited with their little ones.... only for that to never happen.
I then pictured you being one of the babies in that school hearing the things they heard and seeing the things they saw.
I then pictured mommy as a teacher in that school. Most people don't realize how much teachers love their students. We love each and every one of those kids like they're our own. I never called the kids in my class my students, they were always my "babies". And this year, as I got a Christmas card from a little girl I first taught 5 years ago I told your daddy that it was a picture of one of my "babies". The kids in our classes are our babies for the rest of our lives. And I couldn't imagine that happening to my babies.
This weekend, I appreciated all the small things. I watched you play in your toy car and smiled. I watched you lay on the couch and watch movies and smiled. I watched you throw your body down on the ground in a fit, and still smiled.
On Saturday night you were up every hour. And each time I walked into your room half asleep, I was thankful. 20 families don't get to wake up during the night with their little ones because of bad dreams or not feeling well. I sat in the dark in your room and cried tears of thankfulness that I still have you, and tears of sorrow for heavens new 20 angels.
Mommy is still having a hard time dealing with the emotions. I worried about your cousins as they went to school today, I worried about my teacher friends as they returned to work, I worried about all of my past babies that are now elementary schools. I picture you as a 6 year old each time they show the faces of the sweet angels on tv. I worry about the future and your safety.
But for now I'm going to be thankful. Daddy and I left today to go out of town for interviews and it was hard. I asked Melissa what to do, daddy what to do, and mawmaw what to do. You're not feeling well so that made the decision hard, but I think deep down it came down to me not wanting to be separated from you.... because 20 families are now separated from their families forever. We left and as we pulled out of the neighborhood I cried. But we can't live in fear.
I've called mawmaw about a million times already and I get to hear you in the background each time. I can still hear your voice and smile. 20 other families can't.
Daxton, mommy loves you very much. From loss, great things can come. For me, it's a better appreciation for the small moments in my life with you. Appreciating your fits, your tantrums, your cries in the night, your hugs, your smiles, and your "I love you"s.
Love you forever,
Mommy
Sleep in heavenly peace sweet angels. We will never forget.
This is one of my new purchases this Christmas season... and I absolutely adore it. To me it is so thought provoking and really embodies the Christmas season.
Over the last month or so I've been really thinking about Christmas and what I want it to be for our family. I'm a big Santa person and tradition person, so I didn't want to completely drop those.... but I also don't want Christmas to be so commercial in our home as it is. And even more importantly.... I wanted to put a stronger emphasis on Jesus and the true meaning for the season than I feel most people do these days.
Also while browsing over the last month (because I start thinking about Christmas the first cool day in fall... it's sad... I know) I found Elf on a Shelf and thought it would be a super fun tradition to start in our family. I mostly just liked the idea of how mischievous the Elf becomes at night and waking up to a new surprise each morning (I mean how fun is that?!).
So how in the world was I going to incorporate Santa, Elf on a Shelf, and most importantly religion?
Here's what Daniel and I decided Christmas was going to be for us and our family.... There is a Santa, and there are Elves, toys, reindeer, North Pole... the whole nine yards. But there is also God.... and he and Santa think a lot alike. Santa believes in all the things God believes in... and hopes that all the boys and girls around the world believe those things too. That's why our Santa doesn't watch to see if you're "naughty or nice". We won't be using (and will encourage our family not to use it with Dax) the old, "Santa's watching and if you're not good he won't bring you any presents". Because really.... who's not going to give their kid presents? Instead, our Santa watches to see if you have a kind heart. If you love others, show compassion and kindness and grace. He watches throughout the year to see if you're trying your absolute hardest to be the best person you can be. Elf on a shelf shows this perfectly. He can be pretty ornery and mischievous each night, but he loves others and has a kind heart so that's all that really matters. And we're all going to slip and make a mistake every now and then... we're not perfect, Elf isn't perfect, and Santa isn't either... he just wants to see you learn from your mistake. He wants you to have a heart like God. And that's what our Elf will be watching for.... not to see if you're being good or bad, but to watch and see if your actions and words are matching a heart of kindness and love. And on Christmas Day, Santa shows his love to you by sharing gifts with you, rewarding all of your hard work all year to be the very best person you can be. Santa can't give us a gift as precious as the one God gave us, so special presents just for you are his way of saying "Good job, keep up the good work. Keep learning, growing, and loving." So in our house there won't be your typical "naughty or nice" and your typical list of all the toys you're wishing for each year. There will be acts of kindness, words of compassion and love.... and through those things, Santa will give you just the perfect special gift that he knows you'll love.
Well I just got back from dropping Dax off at daycare for the first time in almost 4 months, and I"m not going to lie.... I cried all the way home, and probably will most of the time I type this. Dax was in daycare for 6 months when he was little, but the majority of that time he was in a classroom right next door to mine and I could stop in and see him as many times as I wanted throughout the day. At the beginning of May I quit teaching in order to make our move to Bixby and since then have been a full time stay at home mom.
It has been the absolute hardest job I have ever had, but by far the most fulfilling.
I have loved staying at home taking care of the baby and house more than anything. I love teaching, but have been my happiest and most fulfilled while staying at home. I know it's just not an option right now while Daniel's in med school but hopefully I'll get to do it again sometime in the future... and I can't wait for that day.
Monday I start student teaching. I'll do this for a semester and then will be certified to teach in Oklahoma (after I pass the OPTE & OSAT). To be completely honest I'm not really looking forward to this at all, which I know is an awful awful attitude to have (and I'm praying for that to change everyday). But like I said, I have felt more fulfilled staying with Dax than I ever have teaching, and I have never looked forward to teaching in public schools... it just doesn't go along with how I view education and learning. I have also been doubting myself in my ability to teach more in the last few weeks than I ever have and that's not helping much with the attitude towards this student teaching experience. If I can make it through the first 8 weeks I think I'll be happier and look forward to it a little more.
My student teaching is broke into two separate experiences. The first 8 weeks I'll be working in a 2nd grade classroom at a HUGE (as in like 5 times as many students as I graduated with, and that's only through 4th grade) public school nearby. The last 8 weeks I'm actually somewhat looking forward to. I'll be teaching a pre-k class in a private school that follows theReggio Emelia approach to education (if you haven't heard of it, please, please check it out!). This is right up my alley and goes right along with everything I believe. We actually have Dax on the wait list for this school in hopes of starting him fall 2012. I'm also looking forward to the fact that this is a Pre-K class because infants through Pre-K are my ideal ages to teach. If this was first I think the transition from being stay at home mom to teaching would be a lot easier.
Please continue to pray for Dax and I as we make this transition. I'm sure he'll love it and do just fine... so I guess most of the prayers should be sent my way. Pray for strength to do what's necessary for my family at this time, confidence in my ability to teach, and peace of mind and heart during all the changes this semester holds for us.
This was the verse in my devotional I got by email today from Parenting by Design. So, so perfect.
Ps 27:13-14: "I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!" (NKJV).
Luke 10:20: "'Nevertheless do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice that your names are recorded in heaven'" (NASU).
Christ sent 70 disciples out into Judea and they did great miracles in His name, winning many to Him. They came back rejoicing in what God had done. Imagine Jesus meeting and celebrating with them for the work they had done. But, there was real potential for spiritual pride!
While Jesus wanted to celebrate their victories, he added the perspective that, as great as their victories were, an even greater cause for celebration was their own salvation. He reminded them that what was done for them through Him was even greater than the work they accomplished.
It occurred to me that Jesus wasn't trying to lessen their accomplishments; He was celebrating with them a reward much greater than even their tremendous effort deserved. Their greatest reward was something they could not earn.
We can get caught up in the work ethic of our culture, and there's nothing wrong with hard work. But, we need to remind ourselves and our kids the greatest gift is free.
This was my email devotional today called Parenting by Design from Christianity.com . They're great, simple devotionals for parents and I encourage you to check it out!
Well here's day two of my anniversary series for me and my hubby....
For our junior and senior year of high school Daniel went to Oklahoma School of Science and Math. During this time he would live in the dorms at that school and we would only see each other on weekends (if that) and could only talk for about an hour or so each night... usually over AIM. The first year of this was a rough adjustment for us and we ended up separating for about six months, the only time in the past 10 years we have been apart. Despite that time being the hardest, longest, toughest six months of my life, I think we can both look back now and attribute who we are and the strength of our relationship now to those six months being apart. Needless to say, after those six months we both new we didn't want to spend another day away from each other for the rest of our lives.
Senior year was great. Though we still only got to see each other on the weekends and occasionally throughout the week when I would bring him McDonalds for dinner, our relationship was better than ever. When he could, he would go to DCHS football games with me and I would go to events at his school with him. We went to each others prom and went to youth group together every Sunday at church. Summers were spent at the lake with my family, at church camp, or just hanging around at each others houses. Our youth group was just awesome and there's no doubt in my mind that our time there and at our AMAZING summer camp (Dayspring) played a huge role in the success of our relationship.
After graduation we decided to both attend the University of Oklahoma where we would spend the next five years together. Our freshman year we both lived in the dorms with awesome roommates and had the best experience I could wish for. Some of my favorite memories of college were late night runs to Burger King in the dorms and walking to and from the library late at night with sushi, coffee and other random snacks and studying in the private rooms with our friends Jacob and Shirlene. Daniel taught me a study ethic that I was not taught in high school and without him there by my side there is no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have made it through college. He helped me and pushed me and always had confidence in me when I didn't. Daniel joined a fraternity and I joined a sorority that were both small and community service oriented and allowed us to have our own separate thing that we both loved and were passionate about, yet gave us chances to form memories together as well (this picture is from one of my sorority formal). College was an awesome experience and sharing all of those memories and the enormous amounts of growth that happened there with my love is irreplaceable. I think it will be so much fun to be able to tell our kids and grand kids someday about our times together in college... and I look forward to that so much!
What a beautiful weekend!! Boy were we busy.... but boy was it fun! Here's a glimpse of our weekend that included things such as Easter egg hunts, birthday parties, baptisms, and lots and lots of family!
Dax's first egg hunt!
All of the family at the hunt.... with approx 10,000 eggs!
He's a mover!
Dax's first Easter Basket!!! Complete with a book, bunny rattle, sippy cup, mum mums, teething cookie, bubbles, and plastic eggs turned rattles!
My niece Cheyenne getting baptized!!! Such a special day!
And her daddy got baptized too!
Our first Easter!
Happy Sunday! Hope your weekend was as beautiful as mine!
As I sit here on this beautiful, quaint Sunday morning hearing nothing but my son snoring in his swing, my husband snoring in the bedroom, and birds chirping outside I am reminded at just how wonderful and perfect and beautiful my life is. With the everyday hustle and bustle of waking up, getting myself and Dax ready for work, running a class of twelve 3 and 4 year olds, getting home, keeping our house in order, running errands, caring for a baby and two dogs, putting Dax to sleep, and starting it all over again, it's easy to forget to step back and appreciate all you've been blessed with. It's so easy to get stuck in a daily routine, especially with a baby, that you really don't find time to look around and thank God for everything he has blessed you with. This morning has been a beautiful reminder of that. I woke up to a happy cheerful baby, fed him, played with him, cuddled him, watched him fall asleep as he looked out the window from his swing. My husband made me coffee before running back to get an extra hour of sleep. It is absolutely perfect weather... cool, kind of overcast... perfect spring time weather. And like I said earlier, now I'm sitting here just soaking up the beautiful sounds of my little family and nature. While I have some quiet time to myself (which doesn't happen hardly ever... and I def. wish it would a little more) I figured I make a list of just SOME of the things that I am SOOO thankful for in my life. There's no way I could possibly list everything... but here's a few.
* My beautiful, perfect little boy. He's simply wonderful. To be completely honest, it's easy to get caught up in those fussy moments and wonder if being a mom was really made for me. But then I remember how perfect my little boy and how much joy he brings to my life. He smiles ALL the time. He loves nature and animals. Watching him learn and explore the world around him is just amazing. His laughs and cooing can make me forget all my worries and stresses. He's perfect. I love him. And I love being a mom.
* My amazing husband. He really is simply amazing. Who would have thought when we were 14 and he asked me to be his girlfriend at a school dance that we would end up spending the rest of our lives together and have such a wonderful life. He's my best friend. He's strong when I'm not. He's supportive. He's so smart. He's determined. He's caring, kind, thinks about the world around him. He's loving. He's pretty cute if I do say so myself :). And most of all... he's a GREAT daddy.
* My family. I truly have the most amazing family. I have the family that so many people dream and wish they had. And I'm not just talking about my mom, dad, brother, and sister. My entire family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. We area all so close and the love for one another just pours out. As a little kid we were always together... and as we've all grown up and life has changed for everyone yet we're still SO close and love being together. We all still go to the lake together throughout the year. We have random get togethers... like Scentsy parties or football watch parties... I think mostly just as a chance to be together more than actually wanting to buy stuff or watch the game. We experience new things together... Daniel and I went on a cruise with my brother and sister in law a couple years ago and our family is currently planning our third ski trip together. We all love each other so much and can't spend enough time with one another.
* My job. I have wonderful, beautiful coworkers who love what they do. I have the MOST amazing group of 12 kiddos in my class that I just adore. They make getting up and going to work easy. They're love for life and learning melts my heart. Getting hugs from them first thing in the morning and before I leave make getting up at 5:00am every morning a little easier. They truly love me (and baby Dax) and I truly, honestly love them. It will be such a sad day when they leave my classroom.
* Days like today. I am SO thankful for days like today. Days like today when God says, "Hey, slow down a minute, sit back, and look around you. Look at what I've blessed you with and be thankful for it. Appreciate me and all I've given you. Forget the day to day stresses and that to-do list that is a mile long, and be thankful for this beautiful, wonderful, perfect life you've been given." I am most thankful for days like today.... and the wonderful Man who sends them my way :)
I'm a 20-something year old wife to my highschool sweetheart who just so happens to be taking me along with him on his journey to becoming a doctor. Because of this we recently moved 12 hours away from anyone we know for his residency. I was previously a preschool teacher but am now a stay at home mom to our little boy.
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