Lessons in Faith

I've been a christian for years. A believer in a God who is loving, caring, stronger than we can ever be, and who has a complete plan for our lives laid out from the beginning.

I learned a lot over the past few months. But the biggest is that when we put all of us into Him, anything is possible.

The word all is what I want to stress. Not just us on Sunday. Not just us when we need something and we come to Him in prayer. Not just us when we're praising Him for something good in our life. But all of us.... all the time.

As I have previously mentioned, we have been trying for baby #2 for over a year. That year was full of prayers each month that we would get pregnant. Usually, most of those coming right after I realized that month wasn't a successful one. When we moved to Alabama in May before starting residency, we made it a mission to find a church that we would feel at home in... something we were never able to find in other cities we lived in. Luckily, we found just that place at the second church we visited, and we quickly joined the church and began going to a small group. This church gave me a drive like I have never had before to study God's word and grow in my relationship with Him. Quiet time each day, studying His word, and truly wanting to know Him in a way I haven't was now the highlight of my day. I looked forward to nap time for a different reason now... not just getting a little break, but for the opportunity to have my quiet time with God. I began praying not for us to be able to get pregnant again, but for Him to reveal His plan for the continual growth of our family, whether that be another biological child or for our "future" plans to adopt (something I've always known I would do) to be the next step for us.  I finally realized that He knew how our family was going to look, and I needed to quit trying to be in control of that and hand it over to Him completely. And I prayed this every.day.

God's hand in our life has also been revealed to me in another way. Four to five years ago He brought a new face into my life. We became friends, but because of busy lives, never had time to grow that friendship into anything really close. But over that time, we kept being pulled back together through seemingly the most random occasions. Moving to same cities, being placed together for school requirements, having kiddos a few months apart. Through all of these events we never lost connection with one another. A few months ago this sweet friend recommended the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility to me. She graciously sent me her copy, I read it in about 2 days, and instantly took the things it taught and started to apply them in our trying to conceive journey.  Two months later, I found out I was pregnant. And I know it's because of the things I learned in that book.
This same sweet friend helped me through the day to day struggle as I learned I was miscarrying and as I was recovering through my ruptured ectopic pregnancy. She sent encouragement and prayers my way and I was very thankful for that.
Almost exactly one month after I miscarried, this same friend found out she was going through something very similar. Now we were able to be there to cry with each other, ask questions to each other, and encourage each other. 
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that God knew what he was doing 5 years ago when He placed her in my life and He made sure that throughout our busy lives we didn't lose connection with one another. Because at this chapter in our life we would need each other to make it through.

I think the biggest revealing of God's faithfulness came through the sense of peace I was given throughout the miscarriage. I have mentioned in previous post the gut feeling that something wasn't right starting the first day I knew I was pregnant. Because of this gut feeling, I instantly prayed daily for peace in whatever was to come. I didn't want to pray that the baby would be okay, because I knew that God already knew what was going to happen and there was nothing I could do to truly change that.i had given my body and my family over to Him. He was faithful enough to give me the baby, so I needed to keep up my end of the deal and continue to give my everything over to Him. I just wanted a feeling of peace within my heart at whatever the outcome was.   As I was faced with the news that I was miscarrying only days later, that sense of peace was never felt stronger. I knew He wasn't taking from me, He was only saying "not yet". I didn't break down in the hospital. I truly felt at peace with what had happened. He had revealed to me that I can in fact get pregnant, and I had to trust in Him to carry me through the next chapter. Now don't get me wrong... I've had my days of sorrow and crying.... but even in those moments I still had that peace.

Now I'm able to see God's faithfulness and hand in my life through all the things the last several months has brought upon me. He lead us to Alabama. He lead us to our church home. He put that special friend in my life and kept them there. He gave me the peace I prayed for. And in all the seemingly small things, such as Daniel being on nights when all this happened letting him be at home when I would need him the most, the original doctor I planned on seeing wasn't taking new patients therefore me taking an appointment with my wonderful doctor now, computers freezing when my mom was trying to book a ticket back home letting her be there for when my ectopic ruptured. All of these things just reaffirm the hand of God in every. single. thing. we do.

As I made a special candle holder to light on October 15th, I painted the word "Faith" on it. Because if there's one thing I have learned from my Angel Baby and God..... it's faith. True, 100% faith.

I'm a big music person and I often turn to music to say the words I can't or to help me heal. This song here....I listen to this song at least every other day. It's just so so perfect.

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You struck down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I'll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I'll know every tear was worth it all

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

Though tonight I'm crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You're still all that I need
You're enough for me
You're enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need
Sing a song to the one who's all I need

 And I shared this video before, but these words have especially stood out to me more now than ever.

"What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy"